"Signal from Garrison just came in, Sir." Sergeant Jones handed the message to his commanding officer.

Major Mitchell scanned it briefly. "Hmm... He wants us to what?!"

"He requests additional aid, Sir. Apparently his men have sustained some injuries and he needs help getting them out."

"Well we can't do it! Tell him to get back here with those papers. The Underground can take care of his men, but we need that information now!"

Jones looked uncomfortable. "The Captain did suggest that, Sir. Garrison radioed back that if we want the papers we have to get his men out. I don't think he trusts us to go back for them later."

"Hmm. Doesn't sound like Garrison." Major Mitchell fumed silently for a moment. "Oh, very well, we'll send help. But there's only one team suitable for this mission." His smile did not bode well for the Lieutenant. "Get me General Fairbanks!"

Captain Buck bounced into the room. Some of the exuberance left her step as she surveyed the scene before her. Maddog and Rastro were over in the corner, playing cards and cheating as usual. Feral was engrossed in a sleazy novel and Lieutenant "Blood'n'Guts" McDonough was screaming into the phone. From the way the Lieutenant was wriggling about, Buck gathered the laundry had starched her underwear again.

"This is my life," thought Buck, stifling an overwhelming urge to sob as she noticed the bottles littering the floor. She pulled herself together. At least it paid for her jackets.

"Attention, team! We have a mission!" she announced.

Rastro threw down her cards and grabbed Maddog by her shirtfront. "I saw that! You had an ace up your sleeve!"

"Well you had one down your trousers!" Maddog countered.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

McDonough slammed down the phone and leapt into the fray. "Shutup you monkeys!" she bellowed. "I've had it for today!" She glared threateningly, trying not to squirm.

Feral looked over her book at the short blonde, smiling smugly as she observed the Lieutenants discomfiture and the glares being cast at Maddog and Rastro. Nobody so much as glanced at Buck.

She put on her best official voice. "Attention you slobs! This is your Captain speaking!" She walked over to Feral and attempted to push the tall redhead's feet off the desk. Since Feral's legs probably weighed more than Buck's entire body, the Captain didn't have much luck. Feral didn't look up. She'd just reached a good bit and was feeling in need of chocolate.

Buck knew the signs. "Anybody like some chocolate biscuits?" she inquired casually.

Feral looked up hungrily. Maddog and Rastro dropped their cards and licked their lips. Even the cursing stopped from the corner where the Lieutenant was struggling to escape her underwear.

The short Captain knew the attention span of her 'men'. She only had seconds. "Pack your stuff, we leave for France in an hour. Maddog - no dairy, Rastro - no vegemite, Feral - leave the book behind, McDonough - change your underwear. I have to get a new outfit. We're off to rescue some MEN!"

Casino looked up as Chief whipped out his knife and leapt over to the door. They all tensed as a knock sounded.

"It's me," came the familiar voice. "Put the knife away, Chief." Chief stored it away somewhere and opened the door.

"How is he?" Actor looked worriedly at Garrison lying on the makeshift stretcher.

"I'll live," Garrison answered. He tried to push himself upright and fell back with a groan.

"Stay still!" snapped Casino. "You want to start bleeding again?"

"So what's happening, Actor?" Goniff wanted to know. "Are they coming to get us?"

Actor looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, yes and no. Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"Something cheerful," said Goniff.

"Rescue is on the way. They were a bit reluctant at first but I pretended I was Garrison and said 'No rescue, no papers.' Sorry, Warden," he added, not looking the least bit contrite. "So London will dispatch a team within the hour. They'll be parachuted in not far from here and we'll meet them at the drop zone."

"Sounds great to me," said Casino. "What's the bad news then? They don't like cons?"

"Actually, Casino," replied Actor, "they are cons."

Garrison opened his eyes and stared at Actor, a terrible suspicion forming in his mind.

"No kidding? That's great!" Casino said excitedly. "Hey Goniff, cons like us!"

"Not exactly," continued Actor. Garrison shuddered as the suspicion took shape and started to choke him. He began to moan piteously.

Chief looked concerned at this strange behaviour from the Lieutenant. "This team, Actor. Do they have a name?"

Garrison made a gurgling sound. Actor paused dramatically. "They call themselves - "

"- McDonough's Monkeys," Garrison finished. Actor nodded. "Just finish me now," added the Lieutenant despairingly.

Rastro eyed the unconscious Lieutenant. "Did you do it?" she whispered to the other cons.

"No sweat," replied Maddog. "Feral got her with her pants down."

The Australian looked concerned. "I hope the Lieutenant is alright. Seeing Feral with her pants down would give me a cardiac arrest."

"No, short, red and stupid," Feral glared at her. "I hit her with one of your discarded bottles while she was trying to escape her undies. Maddog used the extra wide brush so the whole job only took five minutes."

"We told the Captain that the Lieutenant had become over-excited at the prospect of both men and chocolate and had passed out," added Maddog.

"And she bought it?" Rastro shook her head at the gullibility of their erstwhile leader. "Oops," she added, as the sudden movement dislodged a knife. It flew across the aircraft and embedded itself in the fuselage next to Maddog's head.

"ARGH!" screamed Maddog, her over-caffeinated reflexes propelling her to the floor. At that moment the jump light turned green and the bomb doors opened. Maddog plummeted headfirst out into the night, screaming obscenities.

The two remaining cons looked on in disbelief. A groan from the corner distracted them. The Lieutenant was coming around.

"What happened?" she asked shakily.

"Oh no," said Rastro, and followed Maddog out into the darkness.

Feral was up but holding tight to the bomb racks. She was really annoyed - even the pilot had told her that this time the plane was going to land. And the good-looking copilot had assured her the parachutes were 'just in case'. No way was she going out that door.

"Oh," groaned the blonde officer again. Then, "Why is my underwear squelchy?" She opened her eyes and fastened them on Feral, who smiled back weakly.

"You didn't?!" The screech drowned out the engines, and Feral remembered how "Blood'n'Guts" had earned her name....

The tall redhead cleared the bomb bay door mere inches ahead of the furious blonde lieutenant.

"Alright, you monkeys, out we go!" Buck came through from the cockpit, and paused as she looked around the now-empty aircraft.

"Hey, wait for me!" She dived out of the plane in pursuit of her team.

"Look Actor, parachute," Goniff pointed up at the billowing shape in the tree.

"Brilliant. Did you figure that out all by yourself?" Actor looked around. "And where's that Indian got too?"

"He's keeping an eye out for unfriendlies." Goniff scrambled through the bushes towards the parachute. "Or trying to get first pick of the girls," he added in a mutter.

"Anything?" asked Actor.

"No, but this harness looks like it was bitten through." Goniff looked around uneasily. Actor had been telling them stories of the Monkeys and Goniff was nervous at the prospect of meeting them. "What were you saying before about baboons?"

A blood-curdling scream sounded from over their heads, and something dropped out of the trees onto Goniff. His terrified shriek was cut off as (what felt like, but really wasn't) hundreds of pounds of short, angry blonde knocked him to the ground. (Honestly, it really wasn't hundreds of pounds, it just felt that way to Goniff. You know, F=ma, gravity and all that stuff. Anyway...)

"Baboons!" howled the furious Lieutenant. "I'll show you baboons!!"

"Hey, Feral," a voice sounded nearby. "I think we found the Lieutenant."

McDonough looked up from beating Goniff and saw Actor standing there, paralyzed with shock.

"Argh!" she screamed, leaping to her feet, "who are you?" She looked down at Goniff, groaning on the ground. "And who are you?! You're not Maddog!"

Actor held out a hand. "You must be Lieutenant McDonough," he said politely. "We're here to take you to Garrison."

McDonough took the proffered hand and shook it. "Pleased to meet you." She looked apologetically at Goniff, still rolling about in agony on the ground. "Sorry, I though you were someone else."

"Yeah, me," said Maddog, strolling into the clearing. Feral followed close on her heels.

The Lieutenant glared at them both. "Later for you," she promised.

"Hi," said Maddog to Actor. "I'm Maddog, this is Feral. You must be Actor. I read your file," she added in response to his quizzical look.

Actor found it hard to accept these monkeys could read. However he was nothing if not a gentleman.

"Pleased to meet you... ladies." The pause was infinitesimal. He looked down at Goniff. "This is Goniff. Get up, Goniff," he added.

"Can't," groaned the smaller man. "I think she broke my ribs."

Maddog's eyes lit up. "You're injured?" she inquired. "Let me take a look, I've had some medical experience." She knelt down next to Goniff and started fondling checking for broken ribs.

Blood'n'Guts sighed in exasperation and turned back to Actor. "We still have to find Rastro and the Captain."

"There you are!" exclaimed Rastro, stumbling into the clearing. "Feral, do you have any chocolate?" she asked plaintively.

Feral looked puzzled. "What do you need chocolate for?" Her voice trailed off as she noticed what was following the short redhead.

"Ooooh, baby," she muttered, her eyes gleaming ferally. "Come to Mama."

The Lieutenant had also spotted Chief, Rastro saw. The blonde was drooling and licking her lips.

"Hey, you guys," whined the Australian ineffectually, "I saw him first."

Feral pushed her aside. "But I'm bigger than you are."

Blood'n'Guts kicked Feral. "And I'm more vicious than either of you, so out of my way!"

"That's Chief." Actor was a bit miffed; no-one was paying any attention to him. Maddog was still engrossed with Goniff and the other three were gazing hungrily at Chief, who looked in need of rescuing. He also looked like he needed a bandage, what with all the blood soaking through the sleeve of his jacket.

"What happened to your arm?" asked Actor.

"I said I was sorry," Rastro interjected hurriedly. "The knife just slipped." This last bit was chorused simultaneously by both Feral and Blood'n'Guts. Rastro glared at them both and stalked off. "Well he shouldn't have been standing under the tree," she muttered as she disappeared into the bushes.

Actor decided he'd better take charge before things got too out of hand. "We must find your Captain and get back to Garrison. There could be a German patrol through here anytime."

"Hmm?" said McDonough absently. Her officer training reasserted itself and she tore her eyes away from Chief. "C'mon you monkeys, let's find the Captain."

Maddog hopped up from the ground. "You did break his ribs, you lump of lead," she said to McDonough. "I need to bind them up before we go anywhere."

Feral had managed to corner Chief. "This knife wound should be taken care of too. Where's Rastro? She always has bandages, 'just in case'."

"Rastro!" yelled McDonough. "Stop sulking in the bushes and get out here."

Rastro, still pouting, came reluctantly back into the clearing. She put her pack down on the ground and started ratting through it. "Detonator, screwdriver, matches, lentil soup, string, plastic tubing, ouch!" She pulled her hand out, licked the blood off her thumb and continued, "spare knife, Pepto Bismol, lamingtons, aha! bandages." She pulled them out, tossed one to Feral and handed the other to Maddog.

Ten minutes later they were ready to go. Actor was beginning to wish he'd never radioed London and McDonough was wishing she could kill Feral. The tall redhead had just spent the last ten minutes bandaging Chief's arm and making kissey noises at him. Blood'n'Guts had tried kicking her a few times but it hadn't any effect. McDonough thought back fondly of the lepers. At least they'd been afraid of her - one good wallop and they fell to bits. Pity these monkeys didn't do the same.

Goniff was obviously enjoying his ministrations. Maddog and Rastro had picked him up and bandaged his ribs. He still had an arm draped around the arsonist and they were deep in canoodling conversation.

Rastro surveyed her fellow cons. She marched over to Actor and the Lieutenant. "Let's get out of here before I'm violently ill." The blonde agreed.

"The wind's blowing from the south, so my guess is the Captain will be north," the Australian said confidently.

Actor looked intrigued. "Why do you think that?" he asked.

Rastro sniffed the air. "I can't smell anything and I'm not sneezing. That means Buck must be upwind of us. I'm allergic to her perfume," she explained.

"Let's go." Actor led the way through the trees, Rastro at his heels. Goniff insisted he couldn't walk without Maddog's support, and Chief ended up trapped between the short blonde Lieutenant and the tall redhead. McDonough was hoping Chief would stumble and she'd be forced to break his fall, and Feral was happy bringing up the rear because she got 'a better view' of it (the rear) that way...

They heard the squeals for help a mile or so later, and found the Captain, still in harness, dangling from a tree. Actor was struck dumb by the vision of loveliness hanging above him.

"Help!" squealed the vision again.

"Are you injured?" he inquired solicitously, noticing how the Captain was clutching her arm.

"I tore my new jacket," wailed the brunette, "and I haven't my emergency kit with me."

"Let's get you down first and we'll see what we can do." Actor turned on the charm. "Unbuckle your harness and I'll catch you as you fall.'

/Well he sounds like a gentleman/, thought Buck, /and he has a wonderful accent/.

"Okay," she said, "don't drop me." She undid the buckle and plummeted gracefully out of the tree. Actor caught her with no trouble and lowered her slowly to the ground.

It was love at first sight. "Oooh, a Claude Van Damne," sighed Buck, fingering Actor's jacket.

"A Calivecci original, if I'm not mistaken," said Actor.

"It was," said Buck, looking mournfully at her torn sleeve.

"Don't fret," Actor reassured her, "next time we're in Paris I'll get you another." He raised her hand to his lips.

Buck sighed and batted her eyelids. /What a man/, she thought, gazing up into Actor's eyes, oblivious to the barfing sounds coming from around her.

"I'm Wendy Sue," she said. The barfing noises changed to hysterical giggles.

"Delighted," said Actor, still slobbering over her hand. "I'm Actor, but I insist you call me Cesare."

"Cesare," Buck breathed heavily. A terrible thought struck her. "You're not Garrison? You're a ... a criminal?!" she choked in horror.

"I was framed," replied Actor smoothly. "A simple misunderstanding."

Buck looked up at him again. He was so handsome, and so tall. Even with the added pouffy hair, she barely reached his chest. But how could she take a convict home to meet Daddy?

/Well/, she rationalized, /he won't be a convict after the war. And he has such excellent taste in clothes. Guess I'll just have to lie to Daddy/, she concluded.

"I believe you, Cesare," she sighed and wrapped her arms around the con man. "Thank you for rescuing me from the tree." Their sickening display was rudely interrupted as a well-thrown missile hit Buck squarely in the back.

"Fix your damn jacket with that!" screamed Rastro in frustration. All the lovey-dovey stuff was giving her acid indigestion and she didn't have any chocolate. She couldn't find her vegemite and Maddog wouldn't let her near Goniff. She couldn't even get a good look at Chief with Feral and Blood'n'Guts in the way. She was not a happy Monkey. "Can we go now, please?"

It had been a long couple of hours for Casino. Garrison had been tossing about on the stretcher, muttering wildly about "blue butts", "baboons", and "PMS". Casino didn't know what "PMS" meant, but he was rather worried for the Lieutenant's sanity.

A noise outside alerted him. "Shush!" he hissed at Garrison, pulling out a gun.

The door was flung open and a short redhead charged into the room. "We're here!" she announced in an accent not unlike Goniff's (or so it seemed to Casino). "Do you have any cake?" She headed for the kitchen.

Casino looked on in amazement as the oddly-assorted crew entered. Actor was entwined with a diminutive brunette with a lot of pouffy hair. Goniff was similarly mixed up with another brunette, and Chief, clutching an injured arm, was trailed in by a short fierce-looking blonde and a tall striking redhead.

"Help, Mummy," squeaked Garrison. He broke out in a sweat and tried to hide under the blankets.

Casino surveyed the women, a wicked gleam in his eye. "So which of you has the blue butt?" he asked jokingly.

"DON'T!" screamed Buck, Maddog, Feral, Rastro, Actor, Chief, Goniff and Garrison simultaneously.

The warning came too late. Five foot two of short, crazed blonde hurtled across the room and flattened Casino. The distinctive sound of ribs cracking could be heard over Casino's gurgling and McDonough's cursing.

"DON'T EVER SAY THAT!" growled the Lieutenant, banging Casino's head on the floor to reinforce the lesson. By the time Actor and Feral hauled McDonough away, the safe cracker was almost unconscious.

Blood'n'Guts shook them off and glared around the room. Nobody giggled so nobody died. She stalked off in search of food (preferably banana cake, though it was a bit hard to find in war-torn France in 1943).

Feral went back to Casino and helped him sit up. He was still pretty groggy.

"What's the matter, baby?" she crooned. "Did the nasty Lieutenant hurt you? Poor thing, let me help." She picked him up and carried him to a couch. Actor and Buck had already claimed the second and were making goo-goo eyes at each other. Chief had disappeared during the ruckus. In all the excitement the Gorillas had forgotten their leader.

"Ooooh, Maddog," exclaimed Rastro, "this one's really injured." She was examining the body on the stretcher.

Maddog came over to take a look. "Ooooh," she echoed excitedly, "he's sweating, he must have a fever. Let me look." She tried to push Rastro out of the way.

"No chance, I saw him first." This time the forger wasn't budging.

"But I'm a doctor!" protested Maddog.

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

Feral cut in before the inevitable fight developed. "You stuck your hands up horse's behinds! I don't see how that qualifies you to treat people. Baboons maybe," she added, looking round in case the Lieutenant was in earshot.

"Yeah!" said Rastro, sticking her tongue out at Maddog.

Goniff looked alarmed. "You did what?" he asked.

"She was a horse gynecologist," Feral explained, busily helping Casino out of his shirt.

"I thought you were an arsonist," said Goniff, bemused.

"You look at horse's butts all day and see what it does to you," muttered Maddog, stomping back over to him.

"That I can understand." Goniff glanced around at his fellow Gorillas. "Now, where were we?" He settled back for some more stimulating canoodling conversation.

It took a few hours but Buck finally remembered she was there for a reason.

"Mission," she murmured drowsily into Actor's chest. "We had a mission. 'Sposed to rescue somebody called Garrison."

"Hmmm?" murmured Actor in reply. "Garrison? Oh no, I forgot about Garrison!" Wide awake now, he leapt to his feet. Buck dropped unceremoniously off his lap onto the floor.

"Ouch!" she protested, scrambling up. She followed Actor across the room to where Garrison was still lying on the stretcher. He was not alone.

"Rastro, you stupid monkey," said Buck. "What do you think you're doing?"

"He's sick," explained the Australian. "I had to keep him warm and this was the best way."

"He's got a gunshot wound and a fever, you idiot. The last thing he needs is a frustrated female pawing at him."

Rastro raised one eyebrow and looked pointedly at Actor. Buck turned red and Actor decided to change the subject.

"What's in that?" he asked, pointing to a cup of strange-coloured liquid the redhead had been giving to Garrison.

"Rosehips, orange peel, hibiscus flowers - " began the Australian enthusiastically.

"You don't want to know," Buck cut her off. "Just don't ever accept anything edible from her."

"It's full of vitamin C," protested Rastro. "Good for the immune system."

Actor rather doubted this but he didn't want to argue with someone with more knives (and far less expertise) than Chief.

"I think we'd better do something about getting out of here," he said. "So what was your plan?" he asked Buck.

"Plan?" Buck looked blank. Feral, Maddog and Rastro started choking as they tried not to laugh. "Um...McDonough knows the details. Where is the Lieutenant?"

They all looked around, realising that the short blonde had been missing for quite a while, and that the scuffling noises from the kitchen had stopped hours ago. Chief too had been absent for some time. It didn't take a genius to make the connection....

"Keep your shirts on, I haven't gone anywhere," said McDonough, strolling into the room. "Oh, too late I see," she added, looking at the various items of clothing strewn about the place.

"Where have you been?" Feral asked suspiciously as the very smug-looking Lieutenant tucked her own shirt back in.

McDonough was saved from an explanation as Chief staggered in. The Indian looked rather disheveled and very confused.

"Warden, help." He stumbled over to Garrison. "Oh no," he said horrified, as he noticed Rastro with Garrison, "not you too!" He collapsed with a moan onto the floor.

McDonough smiled fondly at him. Buck poked her in the ribs.

"Tell Actor our plan," instructed the Captain.

"Our plan?" said the Lieutenant. "You got the orders from General Fairbanks. That envelope, delivered by her aide as we were leaving," she added, noticing Buck's puzzled look. (McDonough always noticed the General's aide. He was tall and blonde and very handsome, and had started out as the gardener, but what with his obvious assets and many hidden talents, he'd moved up quickly).

"Oh," said the Captain, "that was the plan? I thought it was my latest bill from Harrods."

Actor had had enough of the stupid conversation. "Forget it. I have a plan. We need a way out of here and since half of us can't walk I suggest we steal an ambulance. Chief, get up. Take Feral and go steal us an ambulance."

"I'll go with them," offered McDonough.

"No!" said Feral and Chief simultaneously. They were gone before the Lieutenant could protest.

"Damn!" said Actor. "We need a staff car as well." McDonough was out the door as fast as her short little legs could carry her.

"That leaves Maddog and Rastro to get the guns."

"Oooo, ordinance," said Maddog, "my favourite."

Rastro was reluctant to leave Garrison and tried to find an excuse. "I can't leave the Lieutenant," she protested, "he's sick and he needs looking after."

"He'll be perfectly fine with Casino," said Maddog.

"But how are we going to get guns when we don't have guns to make people give us more guns?" whined the Australian, employing some of her usually twisted logic.

"Don't worry, we'll think of something," replied Maddog. "What did you have for breakfast?" she inquired thoughtfully.

"Oh no," said Buck. "Don't ask," she added, noticing the bewildered looks on the remaining Gorillas. "You'll find out soon enough."

"My poor stomach," groaned Rastro as Maddog hauled her out the door.

"And what are you going to do?" inquired Goniff of Actor as the two cons left.

"The Captain and I are going shopping," Actor answered loftily. "We need uniforms and I want to be sure mine fits. And we need to discuss our plan further."

"Right," said Casino. "Make sure that's all you discuss." He and Goniff wiggled their eyebrows suggestively as Actor and Buck left.

"Are they all gone?" Garrison raised his head cautiously and looked around.

"Hey Warden, you're okay," said Goniff. "Were you faking all the time?"

"Well'" he said sheepishly, "most of it. But I think that stuff the redhead gave me helped." He sounded amazed.

"Wonder if she's got something for my ribs," muttered Casino.

Garrison looked guilty. "Sorry about that, guys. I forgot you don't read those Army bulletins. It's been standard orders in the Allied Forces for some time. You NEVER mention baboon, blue, or butt around Lieutenant McDonough. I never understood those orders before...." he mused. "It has something to do with their first mission, and those files are locked up so tight you have to be a General to get a look."

Goniff and Casino glanced at one another. They knew what their first mission would be on returning to England. And Casino remembered he still needed to ask Actor what PMS stood for...

Maddog and Rastro were the first back. They staggered into the farmhouse, loaded down with all manner of German army surplus - guns, grenades, dynamite - the usual stuff. Maddog had even managed to appropriate a flame thrower from somewhere. They dumped it all into a pile and collapsed on the couches.

"Chocolate anyone?" Maddog pulled some out of her jacket and Rastro emptied a stack from her pack. "It's not the good stuff but I'll do for now."

"We took a short detour," explained the Australian as she went over to check on Garrison.

"Wakey, wakey," she said to the Lieutenant, who'd had a relapse and 'fainted' just as the twos cons had arrived back. "C'mon, I know you're faking."

Whether Garrison was or wasn't became academic. One of Rastro's knives slipped from her shirt and embedded itself in the Lieutenant's thigh. He screamed in agony and grabbed for his leg.

"Sorry!" Rastro cried, "it just slipped!" She pulled the knife out. This time Garrison really did faint.

Maddog shook her head. She was used to this type of thing happening around the forger, but someone really needed to warn the Gorillas. Still, it had its advantages. Kept your reflexes sharp.

A screeching of brakes sounded outside. Maddog, unable to do two things at the same time, stopped thinking and looked out the window.

"It's Feral and the Lieutenant," she announced. "Oh no, what have they done to Chief?"

Rastro looked up from bandaging Garrison's thigh (and a very nice thigh it was too), as the Indian limped through the door, Feral holding him up. McDonough rushed in after them, sounding like an echo of Rastro.

"I said I was sorry," whined the blonde Lieutenant, "my foot just slipped!"

"She ran Chief down with the staff car," explained Feral. "I think she broke his leg."

"Amateurs," grumbled Chief, lowering himself onto a couch.

Maddog scampered off to find something to use as a splint. Rastro was searching through her pack in vain.

"I hope Actor and the Captain bring back more medical supplies," she said. "I'm out of bandages and we'll probably need more before this mission is over." (Half-formulated plans of accidentally knifing someone in the butt and having to fix them up accounted for this bandage fixation.)

Right on cue the door opened and Actor came in. He had on a nice new German uniform that fit very well. He was carrying a pile of uniforms, white and grey, that he tossed on the table.

"Wendy Sue picked these out," he said. "I'm sure you'll all look just as fetching as she does."

The three cons groaned as their Captain came in. She had on a crisply starched nurse's uniform, the white cap sitting perkily atop her head.

"I'm not putting that on!" McDonough spoke for all of them. She'd had enough indignities heaped on her already this mission.

"Yes, you are," countered Buck, passing her bandage box to the eager Rastro. "And that's an order!"

**********

It took a lot of threats and some violence, but eventually the Monkeys were arrayed in their uniforms. They were not happy.

Garrison thought it fitting revenge for all the pain and agony the Monkeys had inflicted on his Gorillas. He was still snickering as Feral and Actor carried him out to the ambulance.

Maddog meanwhile was trying to figure out how the stockings worked (having always worn them on her head before), and Rastro was trying to find places to stash her knives in the rather tight-fitting uniform.

Chief was watching McDonough in bemusement. The Lieutenant was wriggling about, trying to look over her shoulder at something. He didn't realise the short blonde was trying to get a look at her behind, just to check that the blue colour wasn't showing through the white skirt.

McDonough gave up. It was an impossible task. /Besides/, she figured, /I'd have heard some giggling if anything was visible./

A horn sounded impatiently outside. "Time to go," Buck announced. She was travelling in the staff car with Actor. Goniff, who thought the Monkeys looked rather fetching in their short little skirts (but was wise enough not to say so), was driving the car.

That left Casino with the ambulance. He'd protested that what with his broken ribs and the dislocated shoulder Feral had given him when he'd wolf-whistled at her, he was hardly in any condition to drive. Maddog had reset the shoulder for him, at the same time reminding him that all car thieves spoke Italian. It was a kind of prerequisite for the job, and he really should've remembered it before making any lewd suggestions to Feral. Especially lewd suggestions he was in no condition to carry out right this instant.

Actor was unsympathetic. He wanted to get back to England in one piece and he didn't trust any of the Monkeys behind a wheel.

They piled out of the house into the vehicles. Both Feral and McDonough were attempting to help Chief, now with bandaged leg courtesy of a hyperventilating Rastro (Chief had very nice legs). Chief was attempting to hit them with his crutch (that's crutch, not crotch, you filthy-minded Monkeys).

Actor was rapidly losing his cool. The strain of dealing with both Monkeys and Gorillas was beginning to tell. He suspected Garrison wasn't nearly as sick as he seemed. The Warden seemed to be quite cozy with Rastro, in spite of the knives, but had fainted every time Actor had tried to talk to him. The con artist wanted nothing more than to get back to England and unload the lot of them. Then he and Wendy Sue could go shopping...

The last of the Monkeys clambered into the ambulance. Actor went over and spoke to Casino.

"Alright, Casino, you know the plan. Follow us and we'll do the talking. We should be at the coast by nightfall if all goes well."

"Did he say coast?" a voice sounded in back.

"Yeah, Rastro, he distinctly said coast."

"Maddog, Rastro," a third voice said, "Switzerland doesn't have a coast."

There was a ominous silence as the Monkeys thought this over. It was followed by an ominous rattling of weaponry. Seconds later Actor found himself staring down the barrels of a couple of machine guns and a flame thrower.

"I thought you'd read our file," Maddog said ominously. "We always finish our missions in Switzerland." The others nodded their agreement.

Actor had read it, he just hadn't understood it. "Lieutenant," he squeaked, "could you please reason with your Monkeys. I'm not crossing the Alps!"

McDonough looked at Chief. She'd missed out on the chocolate earlier and was feeling the need. "Sorry," she said. She thought a moment. "We could go through Belgium," she suggested to the cons.

They looked at one another.

"Belgium chocolate is very good," Feral said cautiously. After a moment the guns were lowered and they climbed back in.

Actor made a rapid retreat towards the staff car.

"Change of plan," he told Buck and Goniff. "We're heading north for Belgium."

Buck sighed with relief. "At least I don't have to go over those Alps again." She looked at Actor beside her. /Maybe a truffle wouldn't be such a bad thing after all/, she thought.

The convoy rolled out in a cheerful mood.....

They reached the Belgium border before dusk with little trouble. Actor's SS grey and superior manner got them through most of the roadblocks, and when that failed Buck flashed a bit of leg and that got them through the rest.

Garrison, to tell the truth, wasn't very worried about the possibility of capture. The Gorillas were obviously in far more danger from their 'rescue' team than they'd ever been in from the Nazis. He was also wishing he hadn't overacted so much - then he'd be travelling in the staff car with Actor. After a few hours in the back of the ambulance with the Monkeys he was remembering fondly the good times he'd had under fire in North Africa...

First of all Rastro wouldn't leave him alone. She kept feeding him weird stuff and insisting he mustn't get cold. Maddog, missing Goniff, kept trying to drag the Australian away. Garrison had narrowly avoided a couple of flying knives, although he thought he'd heard a rib crack when both cons had landed on him during one of their fights.

Chief was faring little better. After a few hours of continuously throwing McDonough out of the way, Feral's back gave out. The tall redhead decided to let the Lieutenant have her fun - for the moment - and climbed into the front of the ambulance to 'chat' with Casino. The resulting deterioration in Casino's driving did not help any of the passengers, especially those who'd recently consumed mass quantities of confectionery...

McDonough though was having a marvelous time. What with a broken leg and a shoulder wound (and no Feral to contend with), Chiefy was completely at her mercy.

She peered out the window hopefully as the truck slowed and pulled off the road. She really needed that chocolate fix.

"We there yet?" asked Maddog.

Feral's voice floated back. "Potty stop. Who needs to go?"

"Me!" came the chorus from the rest of the Monkeys.

While Monkeys were off doing what Monkeys do best (including continually complaining about the lack of facilities available in occupied countries), Actor tore himself away from Buck long enough to check on Garrison.

The normally tough and unshakable Lieutenant looked beseechingly at Actor as the Italian sauntered over to the ambulance.

"Get me out of here," he whimpered pathetically.

"Don't worry, Warden," Actor patted him reassuringly on the head. "Only a few more miles to the town. The airfield is about ten miles past that heading west towards the coast, or so Lieutenant McDonough informs me."

"You're taking the word of that Monkey?" Garrison asked incredulously.

"Oh, Wendy Sue tells me the Lieutenant knows the location of every airfield in Europe. She has this strange obsession with them - likes to blow them up." He shrugged. "She didn't say why but I guess it's useful in wartime."

Garrison rolled his eyes. "So then what? Steal a plane and fly back to England?"

"That's why you're the Warden," agreed Actor. "So are you up to flying the plane?"

The Monkey noises were getting louder.

"Damn!" came the curse from Maddog.

"Sorry, it just slipped!" came the whine from Rastro.

"Keep your big blue butt out of my face!" came the growl from Feral.

"That Indian is mine!" came the threat from Blood'n'Guts.

"Oh, Cesare," came the coo from Captain Buck.

Garrison turned very pale and started to shudder. "Anything you like. Just get me out of here!"

**********

A short while later they reached the little town of Bruge.

"Ooooooo!" came the cry as the convoy rolled down the street.

There were sidewalk cafes serving coffee and petite noirs, patisseries with all manner of folded and filled pastry delights, windows of bon-bons, cremes and clusters, and trays of luscious rum-filled and flavored truffles.

"I'm in heaven and it's full of chocolate," sighed Maddog, drooling disgustingly.

The vehicles pulled of the road behind the local SS office.

"Don't be too long now," Buck told her Monkeys as they took off in all directions. She linked her arm through Actor's.

"Keep the door shut," Actor cautioned Garrison as they left. The other Gorillas had wisely elected to remain behind. The possibility of capture from the Gestapo seemed less of a danger than having to face a bingeing Monkey.

"Are you sure it's wise to let them loose?" inquired Actor as they strolled along. The town was full of pastry-eating German troops, out enjoying the balmy August night.

Buck was on the lookout for an eclair. She needed it BIG and she needed it BAD. "Hmm? Oh, it's perfectly safe."

Actor looked doubtful.

"They all speak fluent confectionery," she explained. "They can carry on a chocolate conversation in any of a dozen different languages. It's all they seemed to pick up in those classes they went to."

"Oh," said Actor.

"Ooooh," said Buck. She'd just spotted a really big eclair. And it had lots of whipped cream....

**********

It was nice and peaceful in the back of the ambulance, at least for a little while. Goniff and Casino had occupied themselves for a time by teasing Chief, until Garrison told them to shut up. He was worried about the speculative look that appeared on Chief's face every time he glanced at the SS building.

Admittedly Garrison too had looked at the building a number of times. He was weighing the relative dangers of surrendering to the Gestapo now or attempting to escape back to England with the Monkeys. On the whole he rather favoured the idea of the Gestapo - at least they were predictable and he'd probably live longer...

He noticed Chief watching him. /Damn Indian/, he thought, /Probably can read my mind./

Chief smiled, "Hey Warden - " he began, when a large crash outside stopped him cold.

"They're back," said Goniff.

"Oh no," groaned Garrison.

"Damn," muttered Chief.

They looked at each other in silent sympathy. It was too late to run.

The rear doors opened and Maddog fell in. She managed to roll to one side before Rastro hit the floor.

"Urgh," they groaned in unison, attempting to sit up.

Rastro fumbled for her pack and pulled out a small bottle. She took a swallow and passed it to Maddog.

"Peppermint tea," she explained to the Gorillas. "Good for the digestion."

"It's cold!" spluttered Maddog, as she spat out a mouthful onto Casino. He looked at her disgustedly and climbed over to hide in the driver's seat.

Another bang on the door announced the return of Feral and McDonough. They both looked very satisfied. Chief paled visibly as they both eyed him and licked their lips.

"We had fudge," announced Feral.

"And banana cake," added McDonough. "It was very ...fulfilling."

"We brought you some back," Feral held out a tin. "Try it. It's rich and smooth. Very tasty."

McDonough pushed her aside. "Try this first. You'll enjoy it far more."

All the double entendres were getting to Chief. He started to whimper. Maddog decided she'd better rescue him before the perverted pair covered him in hot fudge.

"Hey!" she grabbed the cake from McDonough, "this looks good. Gimme some."

"Hands off, scum!" McDonough grabbed it back. "Didn't you get enough already?"

"Didn't see banana cake," Maddog replied. "Or fudge." She winked at Rastro, who'd cleverly diverted Feral by grabbing for the fudge as Maddog went for the cake. Chief was temporarily safe.

McDonough looked suspiciously at the arsonist. "What's that then?" She pointed to a large stain on Maddog's shirt.

"Chocolate chip," Maddog muttered.

Feral looked alarmed. "Chocolate chip what?" She put down the Australian and advanced on Maddog.

"Icecream."

"Oh no," came the groan from Lieutenant and car thief.

"Well, she had an eclair!" protested Maddog, pointing at Rastro. "And a whole pile of fruit tarts!"

"With a cheesecake base?" demanded McDonough.

Rastro nodded reluctantly.

"Where are they going?" Casino asked plaintively as both Feral and Blood'n'Guts made a hasty exit to the staff car.

"I think the question we should be asking," said Garrison, "is why are they going? And I have a bad feeling we're going to find out soon enough...."

Goniff was just about to start the car when Feral landed in the seat beside him. Simultaneously McDonough landed on Actor in the back.

"Oof," said Actor.

"Get off, he's mine!" shrieked Buck.

McDonough climbed off Actor and over Buck. "I don't want him, I have all I can handle back there," she gestured over to the ambulance.

"Then get back there!" Buck was livid. McDonough had ripped the hasty repair job they'd made to her jacket and had interrupted her snogging with Actor.

"No!" said Feral and McDonough firmly.

"Maddog had icecream," explained Feral.

"And the forger had pastries," continued Blood'n'Guts.

"Oh," said Buck. "Wheat ones?"

They both nodded.

"Sorry, Cesare. They'll be riding with us for a while." She snuggled up to him. "Just pretend they're not here."

Goniff rolled his eyes and put the car in gear. "So tell me," he said to Feral, "what's so terrible about icecream and pastry?"

"It's a long story -" began the redhead.

"No it isn't," interjected McDonough. And she told him the truth of it.

Goniff shook his head in sympathy for his unfortunate comrades stuck in the ambulance. Garrison should've surrendered to the Nazis while he'd had the chance.

The moon was high as the little convoy pulled off the road into a group of trees. Up ahead they could see the outline of the fence that surrounded the airfield. McDonough glanced up at the silvery light, thankful that it wasn't yet a full moon. She didn't need to have to explain Maddog's howling on top of everything else.

Actor walked over as the ambulance came to a stop. He was surprised to see Maddog at the wheel, a grinning Rastro beside her.

"Where's Casino?" he whispered fiercely.

Maddog gestured towards the back.

"Go and get him out here!" Actor ordered. "I need everybody who can walk!"

Maddog and Rastro clambered out, explaining as they went.

"I'm afraid he's out for the night," said Maddog.

"He fainted at the wheel," said Rastro.

"That's why we almost hit the tree," added Maddog.

Actor was not normally a violent man but he'd about reached his limit. "Well go and wake him up before you hit this!" he threatened, waving his fist at them.

"We tried," said Rastro.

"Honestly," said Maddog.

"Are they all unconscious?" inquired Feral.

The two cons nodded.

Buck shook her head. "Sorry, Cesare. I'm afraid they won't be of any use to use for a few hours."

Actor had definitely reached his limit.

"But who'll fly the plane?!" he started screaming. "Who'll blow things up?! Who'll sabotage the communications?! Who'll shoot all the Nazis?!" He started to laugh hysterically. "Who will rid me of these meddlesome Monkeys?!!"

"I'll fly the plane," volunteered Rastro.

"I'll blow things up," added Maddog.

"I'll sabotage the communications," said Feral.

"I'll shoot all the Nazis!" enthused Blood'n'Guts.

"And then I'll get rid of the Monkeys," whispered Buck.

Actor took a deep breath and tried to regain some measure of control. It wouldn't do to go to pieces just yet - there was still shopping left undone.

"Well.." he began. They looked at him expectantly. "Oh, alright."

/What the hell, it couldn't get any worse, right?/

"No, no," said Maddog, "that won't work. Stick the rod into the hole. Like this." She demonstrated the move for Goniff. "Now it's primed and ready to go. Just pull the pin before you throw it."

"Never seen grenades like this before," commented Goniff as he helped the arsonist put them together.

"Home made," said McDonough. She was watching the proceedings with great interest. "We take a normal grenade recipe and add a few special ingredients. These go 'BOOM' much better. Lots of shrapnel."

"You're rather bloodthirsty, aren't you, Lieutenant?" Actor was most impressed by the skill the blond Lieutenant had shown as she stripped down and re-assembled all the weaponry, explained the workings of the smoke bombs, and even cleaned Maddog's flame thrower for her. He was also a little worried as she started to drool with excitement every time she handled a particularly large gun.

McDonough just looked at him. "Why do you think I'm called Blood'n'Guts? For my flower-arranging skills?" She picked up a machine gun that probably weighed as much as she did and checked the sight. "I don't like Nazis! Wanna shoot some!"

"Don't worry, Rastro and the Captain will be back soon and then we'll go blow something up," Maddog reassured her. She whispered to Goniff, "Don't get between her and her target. Trust me on this."

Goniff believed her. He also felt very sorry for Chief, now the target of McDonough's affections. He reminded himself to tell Casino that running interference for Chief would not be conducive to a long and healthy life. Of course, being anywhere near any of the Monkeys was not conducive to a long and healthy life, as any of the injured comatose bodies in the ambulance would testify to, if they ever regained their senses. He wondered how the others were faring. Maybe he should go check on them.

Goniff scrambled up, but hadn't got three feet when a muffled wail, accompanied by much crashing through bushes, sounded close by.

"I ripped it again!!" Buck whined.

"Ssshh," shushed the Australian. "The Germans might hear you. Then they'll capture us and put us in a nasty prison camp and make us wear scratchy wool uniforms that don't fit and only come in khaki. And they'll NEVER give you clean underwear!"

"Never?" squeaked the Captain, clearly horrified.

"No," replied Rastro. "And what they do give you won't match!"

"Oh," said Buck. "Ssshh." There was silence for a few seconds as she contemplated the dreadful thought. It was just too horrible. She decided to change the subject.

"Shouldn't we be back by now?" she asked. "Are we lost?"

"No, they're here somewhere, I can smell them." Goniff could hear the sniffing noises as the Australian searched for the other Monkeys. "This way."

The two Monkeys circled the camp a few times before they managed to find it. Finally they crashed through some bushes and staggered straight into the side of the staff car.

"Oof," said Rastro. She climbed to her feet, shook her head and helped the Captain up. Buck brushed down her uniform and hurriedly pulled all the twigs from her hair. Then she marched over to the giggling group by the fire, attempting to look like the professional soldier she wasn't.

"We found a plane," she announced, frowning in annoyance at them.

"Is it big enough for all of us?" asked Maddog.

"Well it's a bomber, so it should fit us all in," replied Rastro, sitting down and pulling out some scribble paper. "But we might have a problem if the Lieutenant had more than a couple of slices of banana cake."

"Watch it," growled McDonough. "Anyway, you should be more concerned about the car thief. I only managed two slices - well, maybe four - she scoffed the rest." She looked around for the tall redhead, expecting some insult in return. It dawned slowly that Feral had been absent for some time, ever since they started unloading the explosives. And she vaguely remembered hearing some faint cries for help, coming from the direction of the ambulance.

"Oh no!" she cried in horror, realising that while she'd been caught up in the thought of blowing up yet another airfield, the redhead had got her revenge. McDonough leapt to her feet and headed for the ambulance. The others looked on in amazement as she rounded a tree at high speed, only to end up catapulting back into the middle of the group as she bounced off Feral who was coming the opposite direction.

"Where have you been?" she hissed up at the redhead.

"Minding my own business," came the reply.

"Grrr," growled McDonough, climbing to her feet. She headed off to the ambulance to check on Chief.

Rastro was pretending she knew what she was doing with the weight and balance calculations. "Hey feral, how many cakes did you eat?"

The car thief yawned contentedly. "Oh, two or three big ones. But I've worked them off." She grinned at the shriek from the ambulance.

"Hmm, okay. We should have no problems if we take the Faker," decided Rastro, neglecting to mention that if the thing could carry thousands of pounds of bombs it should have no trouble with a few Monkeys and Gorillas. Of course, they had recently been consuming confectionery.

"How will we get everyone on board?" asked Goniff. "Some of us are unconscious."

"We'll need some sort of diversion so we can get the ambulance up to the plane," began Actor. "I think -"

"A diversion?" asked Buck.

"A diversion," replied Maddog.

"A diversion," mused Rastro.

"A diversion!" exclaimed Feral.

They all turned as a crashing in the bushes alerted them to the fact that the Lieutenant was returning. The cursing and muttering alerted them to the fact that the Lieutenant was very angry.

Blood'n'Guts stomped into the clearing and headed straight for Feral. Buck got in her way.

/A dangerous thing to do/, thought Goniff, admiring the bravery of the petite Captain.

"Lieutenant - " she began.

"Get out of my way."

"Lieutenant!" Actor visibly winced as Buck screamed at McDonough. He hadn't realized she was capable of producing such a noise.

McDonough was fuming but she did obey the order. Buck might be small but the Lieutenant knew better than to mess with her. The Captain tended to fight dirty. And she had lots of high-heeled shoes with which to whack people.

"Lieutenant," Buck said again, a bit too sweetly. McDonough's paranoia switch flicked into overdrive. "We need to get the boys onto an airplane. We have a plan but we need a diversion..."

Her voice trailed off as she watched in fascination as McDonough's face turned red, then blue, then purple. Then the screaming started....

"NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

"Lieutenant - " Buck tried to make herself heard over the noise.

"NOTHING! NOTHING YOU DO!!"

"McDonough! Shut up before the whole German Army hears you!"

Blood'n'Guts didn't even pause for breath. She had exhausted her English vocabulary and was now cursing - still at full volume - in Gaelic. Actor had his hands over his ears and he noticed that Feral, Rastro and Maddog had all produced ear plugs from somewhere and were trying to hide behind one another to stay out of the Lieutenant's line of sight.

"NEVER!! NOTHING YOU SAY!"

"You can have Chief," said the Captain, studying her nails.

"NO! NOT AGAIN! NOTHING YOU SAY WILL EVER -" there was a pause. "What did you say?"

"You can have Chief," repeated Buck.

"Just a minute!" said Feral, removing the ear plugs.

"Hey!" added Rastro and Maddog.

"What?" asked both Actor and Goniff.

Buck had McDonough's attention now. "I said you can have Chief. You won't have to fight with Feral and I'll get Daddy to assign them to us when we get back to England."

The Monkeys began clamoring loudly.

"Hey, I'll paint my bottom blue too!"

"If I hang my bum out a truck will you give me Garrison?"

"Mine is more like a baboon's than hers and I'm the one who's idea it was in the first place!"

"Shutup!" thundered the Captain. "It's too late. We haven't any more blue paint and we need a diversion. McDonough's bottom is tried and true so that's what we're going to use!"

"But -" the chorus began. A glare from Buck silenced the three cons and their protests subsided to angry mutterings.

"Great idea, Maddog."

"Left the extra paint behind, didn't you, Rastro."

"Thought you said the Captain never thought of anything besides colour coordinating her undies."

Goniff and Actor were still baffled. "Why are we talking about blue paint and bottoms?"

asked Goniff.

"Ask the Madpuppy," chortled Rastro, "It was her idea!"

Early morning at the airfield...

Sergeant Fritz was bored. Sergeant Fritz was tired. Sergeant Fritz was cold. Bored, tired and cold. He'd been that way every night, all night for the past ten days, every since arriving at this crummy posting on this crummy airfield in this crummy country.

And it was all the fault of those damn Americans. What did they call themselves? Garrison's Gorillas, that was it. He'd had plenty of time to figure it out, to replay events over and over in his mind as he stood up in his guard tower, listening night after night to the revelry going on in the officer's mess below him. He knew what it was like down there. Sitting with your feet up, smoking cigars and drinking brandy next to a nice, warm fire. Telling tales that grew progressively taller as the night went on and the bottles were emptied. He knew because once he'd been one of them, a Captain with the Wehrmacht on the fast track to success. Until - they came...

His superiors didn't believe his reports of the Allied Covert Operations team. Well, maybe they did but they needed a scapegoat. He'd been demoted and transferred. He worked hard to try to regain his reputation and position. Things had been looking up, until - they came again...

That had been four demotions and six transfers ago. Each time - they came. He was convinced that someone had it in for him. He'd given up trying to rebuild his career after the third demotion. No-one believed it was the same group in each operation. No-one except Fritz, because he'd been there each time. He knew them all by name now, knew their skills and reputations. It had become an obsession with him. Some how, some day, he was going to get those Gorillas!

But not tonight. He lent on the railing and looked out over the field. He still had a few friends left in the Wehrmacht who helped him keep tabs on the Gorillas. Last he'd heard they were somewhere in France. No doubt they were already safely back in England. He lit a cigarette and blew a smoke ring into the air, watching it drift upwards as he contemplated the fun he would have when he finally got his hands on those damn yankees!

Warmed by these happy thoughts, it took Fritz a moment to realise that the light glowing over by the ammunition store was not the moonlight reflecting off the windows, but rather the flickering light of flames climbing up the side of the building. He leapt for the siren in panic, winding the handle rapidly.

"They're back," he said in disbelief and despair as the wail of the siren started up. Men had barely begun to move in the darkness below him when the ammo store exploded. Fritz flicked on the search light and swung it in the direction of the store. Half-dressed German soldiers were running about in confusion, diving for cover as the explosions continued.

"It's them, I know it is!" Fritz was cursing. He realised suddenly that if his suspicions were correct, the ammo store was merely a diversion. Which meant -

He was thrown violently to the floor as the whole tower rocked. Something large and heavy impacted the gates alongside. He hauled himself up and swung the light around. In the few seconds before the hail of bullets started and he was forced to duck, he saw a sight that would stay with him for the rest of his life. It was large, it was horrid... it was blue.

The light illuminated the lorry below as it crashed through the gates. Hanging out the rear was an enormous blue butt, glowing almost fluorescently in the night.

Now Germans, as intelligent readers of previous Monkey tales will recall, are deathly afraid of blue-butted baboons. Sergeant (soon-to-be Private) Fritz had never actually seen a blue-butted baboon, but he was one-hundred percent positive that what he was looking at was the blue butt of a particularly large and probably extremely nasty baboon. So Fritz took the only sensible course of action possible under the circumstances - he started screaming in terror and threw himself out of the guardhouse.

The lorry careened wildly around the compound. Officers and enlisted men alike were running in all directions attempting to escape the baboons. Bombs were exploding, bullets were flying. Horrible baboon shrieking could be heard over the sirens.

"FERAL!! SLOW DOWN!!" McDonough was screaming at the top of her lungs. Her butt was hanging out the back of a truck and she was battered and bruised from the wild ride. Every time she tried to climb back in Feral swung the truck round a steep corner and she lost her grip. "I'M GOING TO KILL THE LOT OF YOU!!!"

Feral had one hand on the wheel and the other on the large machine gun she was firing out the window. "WHAT LIEUTENANT?" she yelled back. "I CAN"T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE NOISE. GO FASTER?' She obligingly swung the truck around again and slammed her foot down. The shriek from the rear was most satisfying.

**********

Even at the other end of the field where Actor and the Captain waited in the ambulance, McDonough's cursing could be heard. Buck made a mental note to congratulate the Lieutenant on her marvelous performance later on. She'd have to make special mention of it in her report. Maybe McDonough would get a medal for service above and beyond the call of duty. And maybe not, but at least General Fairbanks would get a good laugh out of it.

Her daydreaming was interrupted as Rastro came running round the hangar. "Come on, Captain, the coast is clear," said the Australian breathlessly. "Let's get to the plane."

Buck put the ambulance in gear and slowly drove over towards the parked bombers. Rastro jumped out and clambered into the first one. "I checked the tanks and this one should do fine. Besides, the keys were still in it." She dangled them in front of Actor. "Just a second while I get the doors open." She went through into the cockpit and started fiddling. A few seconds later the bomb doors in the belly of the plane started to open.

Buck began to unload stretchers from the ambulance and pass them up to Rastro. They fitted quite nicely into the bomb racks mounted along the inside of the fuselage. Actor dragged the unconscious Gorillas one by one from the ambulance. With only Rastro and Buck to help it was a bit of a struggle, but eventually they had them all in the plane, strapped to the stretchers. Luckily all the Germans stationed on the airfield were still running around in a panic, screaming aloud about "blau-butted baboons". Actor hadn't asked and he still wasn't sure he wanted to know. He didn't think his imagination could cope with it. Whatever they had planned for the diversion had worked, and that was all that mattered.

Buck was looking impatiently at her watch. "Come on, come on," she muttered.

Rastro came back from the cockpit where she'd been having a last-minute read of the pilot's operating handbook. She'd also discovered a silk scarf, leather flying helmet and a pair of "General Macarthur's" (the original Rayban) which had obviously been filched from a downed U.S. airman. Dressed in all this gear, she felt ready to fly.

"Okay, mates," she announced. "We've got a full tank of gas, it's 100 miles to England, it's dark, and I'm wearing sunglasses. Let's hit it!"

"I wish we could," grumbled Buck. "I'd like to get home and have a shower. I'm beginning to feel less than fresh." Wisely, both Actor and Rastro let this slide without making one smart remark.

Actor checked his watch. "They should have been here five minutes ago."

"I don't want to start the engines till everyone's aboard," said Rastro. "There may be some Germans around who still have their wits about them and I'd rather not get shot at."

Actor sighed. "Get in the plane. I'll go see what's keeping them." He really didn't want to go but he didn't think he had a choice. He couldn't care less about the Monkeys, but Goniff was still out there. Besides, he needed Rastro to fly the plane and he doubted she'd abandon her fellow cons.

Buck and Rastro looked at one another.

/We could just leave them/, thought Buck. /But the Germans would just hand them back and then I'd have to deal with McDonough. Bad idea./

/We could just leave them/, thought Rastro. /But the Germans would just hand them back and then the Captain would blame me and I'd have to deal with the Lieutenant. Bad idea. And Feral still has my vegemite.../

"Okay," they said to Actor. Rastro went back to the cockpit while Buck warned Actor to be careful, especially of McDonough. She was probably very, very pissed by this point.

**********

Maddog peered around the corner of the officer's barracks she and Goniff were hiding behind. McDonough was still shrieking curses at Feral. Feral was still careening round in the truck, spraying bullets out the window. The Germans were still in a panic. It was a glorious sight. Well, the destruction was glorious, the sight of McDonough's bum was pretty horrific... Maddog resisted her urge to hurl and turned back to Goniff.

"McDonough is really pissed. Don't mention anything about 'blue', 'butt' or 'baboon' for at least a month if you want to live. And keep away from Feral, she's gonna be in BIG trouble."

Goniff nodded. He'd only caught a brief glimpse of their "diversion tactic", but he still felt nauseous. "Shouldn't we be heading to the plane?" he asked. "We've blown up just about everything we can."

"Except this building." She pulled the last few grenades out of her pack. "Ready?' Goniff nodded. Maddog pulled the pins and tossed the grenades under the barracks. "Run!"

Goniff took off in the general direction of the hangars, Maddog close on his heels. Unfortunately, as they rounded the corner of the still-burning ammunition store, they had the misfortune to be overtaken by the lorry. Feral had finally decided she'd had enough fun at McDonough's expense and was also heading for the plane.

McDonough had by this time run out of curses and given up her attempts to climb back in the truck. She was busy just hanging on, while planning the various hideous things she would do to Feral and the Captain once they were back in England. She'd also thought up a few choice nasties that involved Maddog and Rastro, not for any legitimate revenge purposes, but simply because she was feeling vindictive and her stomach ached from all the bouncing around.

Since Feral had stopped shooting and McDonough had stopped shrieking, Goniff and Maddog were given no warning. The truck zoomed past the two, then screeched to a halt barely ten feet in front of them. They were treated to a wide-screen, technicolor, close-up and personal view of McDonough's blue-painted backside as the Lieutenant lost her tenuous grip on the lorry's tailgate and tumbled backwards out of the vehicle, landing butt-up on the ground in front of the saboteurs. Maddog, having become somewhat used to the sight, merely lost her tenuous hold on her lunch. Poor Goniff, having neither seen nor imagined such a thing, followed Fritz's example and lost his tenuous hold on reality. He started screaming in terror. He tried to run away but his legs refused to move. Mercifully, after a few seconds, his brain overloaded in a desperate attempt at self-preservation and he passed out.

Feral jumped out of the truck and came running back. "Come on, get in the truck!!" she yelled at the still-retching Maddog. "What's the matter?" she began, then noticed the Lieutenant, also mercifully (for Feral) unconscious on the ground. "Oh, blech!" Luckily Feral had a strong constitution. She reached down and hauled the Lieutenant's trousers up, then picked her up and tossed her into the back of the lorry.

"What is going on here?" Actor arrived just in time to witness the unconscious Goniff being loaded into the truck. Maddog had partially recovered, and was assisting Feral although she was still a bit wobbly on her feet.

"Nothing," said Feral, helping Maddog clamber over the tailgate. "But you may need to get some psychiatric help for Goniff when we get back home. Hopefully he won't be permanently affected..."

/I don't want to know/, thought Actor. He peered in the back at the little thief, and noticed McDonough was coming around. /Please Lord, just let me get out of here in one piece../, he prayed as he hastily pushed Feral towards the front of the truck.

"Come on, they're waiting at the plane," he said. Climbing into the seat beside Feral he pointed out the quickest route back to the others.

Ten minutes later the bomber was taxiing onto the runway. Maddog had fussed over Goniff as he was strapped into a stretcher, then gone up front to give Rastro a hand. Buck had taken one look at McDonough's face as she crawled out of the lorry, and climbed hastily back in the plane, Actor in tow. Feral still had her machine gun, so felt free to glare back at McDonough. The unhappy Lieutenant, still bruised and battered from her ordeal, had made it unaided to the plane and was sitting sulking in a corner, casting vicious glares at the other occupants.

As the aircraft lifted off, Actor took a last look at the burning remnants of the German base. /They might not be good for anything else/, he thought, /but damn, they're good at destruction!/

Not long after takeoff Buck noticed McDonough had stopped glowering and was turning a strange shade of green.

"Too much chocolate, Lieutenant?" she inquired.

Blood'n'Guts was definitely looking ill. "No," she snarled, "the stupid Australian is heading the wrong way."

Actor leaned forward and looked out the window. "She's right. We should be over water by now."

"Feral, go and tell Rastro to turn around before we end up in Germany," said Buck. "And see if Maddog has the map the right way up."

The car thief obediently trotted through to the cockpit and abused both pilot and navigator.

"Well you said 'turn left'," came the whine.

"Your OTHER left," chorused the Monkeys.

"Oops."

"We're all going to die," wailed Actor. "I want a parachute, I want my Mother." He started sobbing on Buck's shoulder.

Blood'n'Guts shook her head. She was constantly amazed at the ability the Monkeys had to reduce normally strong men to quivering piles of jelly. Unfortunately it meant she'd never be rid of them - her best efforts to hand the team over to the Nazis were always foiled when the enemy insisted on releasing them. Apparently they thought as she did - whatever side the Monkeys were on was bound to lose the war.

/Oh, well. If at first you don't succeed .../ It was lucky for Actor the rest of the Gorillas were still unconscious. It wouldn't do for them to see the cool and superior Italian in such a state. She'd just have to remember to tell them about it later.

Buck was trying to reassure Actor. "It's all right, Cesare, we'll get there. She can fly the plane, she just can't navigate. We'll know if we're off course though when McDonough throws up."

"Oooooh," wailed Actor again.

Buck looked at the tear stains on her leather. /Thank goodness this jacket is already ruined/, she thought as she patted Actor's head.

The rest of the flight was uneventful, apart from the occasional retching from McDonough, yelling from Feral and Buck, whining from Rastro and Maddog, and sobbing from Actor. In no time at all they were over the Channel and above England.

A couple of Hurricanes swooped down to intercept as the German bomber approached the Cliffs. Rastro waggled her wings at them and the Hurricanes replied. Actor fancied he could see the amused glances of the pilots as they flew past and saw the symbols Maddog had painted over the Iron Crosses on the fuselage. It must've convinced them 'cause nobody opened fire. The two fighters pulled alongside them to escort the stolen bomber down.

"We made it!" Actor said with relief as he saw an airfield below. A thought struck him. "She does know how to land, right?"

"Oh no!" cried Buck, Feral and McDonough in unison. They each grabbed for a harness and strapped themselves in.

"Wha???" began Actor, then dived for a seat as Rastro applied full power. He was too late.

"Yippee!" came the cry from the cockpit.

The plane rolled rapidly to the right (or was it left?). Actor plummeted headfirst into what seconds before had been the ceiling. Everything loose in the cabin followed. Luckily all the other Gorillas were still strapped firmly in their stretchers.

The plane righted. Actor hit the floor. It immediately went into a steep climb. "Help!" he wailed as he started sliding backwards. The thud as he hit the bulkhead made Buck wince in sympathy. The thud as everything else hit him made Actor wince in agony.

The plane continued over the top of the loop. Even McDonough shut her eyes as Actor was bounced all over the cabin. It started plummeting vertically towards the ground. Actor whizzed past the Monkeys and hit the front bulkhead with a sickening crunch. The screaming stopped abruptly.

McDonough opened an eye as Rastro flew sedately in to land. She looked at Buck, who was staring in distress at the crumpled heap at the front of the cabin.

"You really should have remembered to tell him how Rastro 'lands'," she said.

"I forgot," Buck said guiltily, unstrapping her harness.

Rastro taxied the plane over to the base office and stuck her head out the window.

"G'day, mates," she said to the crowd of bemused airmen who'd witnessed the display. "Could you get us a medic and four stretchers, please?" Maddog whispered to her. "And we've been without food for the last three days and really need something - do you have any chocolate or Coke?" she added.

"I'd better tell the Captain her caffeine fix is on the way before she starts yelling," said Maddog. She opened the cockpit door, tripped over Actor, flew headfirst into McDonough and knocked her into Buck. The Captain didn't even have time to let out a squeak as the Lieutenant squished her flat.

Feral dragged Maddog and Blood'n'Guts to their feet and checked the Captain and Actor. She sighed and stuck her head into the cockpit.

"Make that six stretchers," she said to Rastro, who still had her head out the window, busily chatting up a bunch of rather handsome RAF officers (who were quite astonished to discover that their whole team was composed of women - well, sort of women). "And no more victory rolls on landing!" she added fiercely.

Rastro gulped. "Make that six! We need six stretchers! And I guess you'd better inform General Fairbanks that we're back."

The prospect of weeks of enforced rest in hospital would normally have been driving Garrison nuts. Just now though, he was very happy to do nothing but rest in the peace and quiet of the private ward the Gorillas had been assigned. Normally too, the prospect of being in close proximity to the other Gorillas for that period of time would have been unbearable, but ever since their encounter with the Monkeys, the four convicts had been unusually subdued. So much so that the rather attractive Sister assigned to their ward had failed to get even a wolf whistle, and not one Gorilla had attempted to chat her up.

Garrison had spent most of the morning contemplating the happy thought that he'd never see a Monkey again. The previous day Major Mitchell had come to collect the papers that had been the whole purpose of the Gorilla's original mission. In all the chaos wreaked by the Monkeys, Garrison had totally forgotten that he and his men had ever had a mission, but luckily for him the papers were still safely in his jacket pocket. Handing them over to the relieved Major he'd tried to adequately express his thanks for the choice of their 'rescue' team. Hopefully Mitchell would assume that shock, loss of blood, and lots of medication were responsible for the whole of his best operations team being reduced to sobbing, blubbering, begging shades of the men they once were. Well, all except Goniff, who still hadn't spoken but just sat there, staring at the wall, an occasional shudder wracking his small frame.

The thief was the least physically injured of his men, with only a few cracked ribs and some nasty bruises. Garrison still didn't have a clear picture of what had caused the Cockney to end up in his catatonic state, but it must have been traumatic. Chief had a broken leg, a knife wound, and looked pretty battered. Casino had cracked ribs, a punctured lung, a concussion, and torn shoulder ligaments. Garrison too had cracked ribs, a punctured lung, a knife wound, and his original bullet wound. All three of them were suffering from blood loss, shock, and the after-effects of oxygen starvation and gassing. The doctors were curious as to what type of gas the Gorillas had been exposed to and were still trying to identify it down in the lab. None of the men felt like explaining that the particularly noxious fumes they'd breathed were in fact Monkey farts. It wouldn't look good on their resume....

Besides, they were all much better off than Actor. Poor Actor, until now the only Gorilla who'd never been injured on any of their missions, had suffered terribly at the hands of the Monkeys. A full-body cast covered him head-to-toes. He had a concussion and was being fed through a tube. Worse still for the fastidious Italian was the fairly regular arrival of their nurse offering a bedpan, which the con-man obviously regarded as the ultimate indignity. He too hadn't said much, other than sobbing in support of Garrison when the Lieutenant requested that his team never have to work with 'those women' again. Casino and Chief had loudly seconded the Warden's request. The normally taciturn Major had surveyed the pathetic groveling wrecks of his team with what appeared to be genuine sympathy, and promised the Lieutenant that he'd do what he could. Garrison felt cautiously optimistic as he lay propped up in his bed, munching grapes.

The relative calm of the ward was shattered as Chief raised his head, a look of horror growing slowly on his face. He sniffed the air cautiously, then his head fell back on the pillow. "They're here," he groaned in despair.

The door to the ward burst open and Monkeys poured in, chattering loudly.

"Oh, poor baby!" McDonough exclaimed, rushing over to Chief, who was trying to pull the blankets up over his head.

"Oi! Let me peel them for you," offered Rastro, plonking herself on the bed next to Garrison and grabbing for his grapes. Luckily for the Lieutenant the various pieces of cutlery that fell from her jacket stuck in his plaster cast, not in his tender flesh.

"Are you feeling better, pookey?" inquired Feral, patting a fearful, quivering Casino on the head and giving him a big slobbery kiss.

"Speak to me, snookums," entreated Maddog of the silent Goniff. "Look what you did to him!" she growled at the blond Lieutenant who was taking advantage of the trapped Indian.

Blood'n'Guts glared at her but decided she'd rather continue to fondle a Chief than go beat up a Maddog.

"Mmmm-mmm-mm," Actor mumbled between his wired jaws.

"He wants to know where the Captain is," translated Garrison. "He wants her to get him a private ward so we don't all witness the bedpan parade."

"Oh yeah?" snickered Rastro. "Oh, that's right, he missed it. Our glorious Lieutenant over there squished her superior officer and put her in the hospital."

"Only because that accident-prone twit," she glared at Maddog, "tripped over his unconscious body," she stabbed a finger at Actor, "and he wouldn't have been unconscious if you," she threw an apple from Chief's fruit basket at the forger, "hadn't decided to land in a manner totally unapproved by the Pilot's Operating Handbook!"

Rastro caught the apple and took a bite out of it. "Got you back, didn't I? More or less in once piece." She bent down and whispered to Garrison, "And I expect to be properly thanked when they let you out of this nasty place.." Garrison's expression of fear was almost comical.

Actor mumbled again and rattled his bedframe.

"What they're trying to tell you," Feral explained to the concerned Italian, "is that your Wendy Sue is also in this hospital. She's slightly flatter than usual after having been hit by a flying Blood'n'Guts. Commander Daddy didn't want to put up with her whining at his home so he put her in her own private room on the floor above. I dare say she'll be down to visit you sometime."

"Yeah, she wanted to tell you the news, but since we're here we'll spoil it for her," said Rastro, grinning in anticipation at Garrison.

"I'm the officer here, I get to tell them!" interjected McDonough. She grinned down at Chief. "Yesterday I spoke to my uncle, and Buck nagged her daddy, and they agreed that we should move in together. So as soon as you're recovered you're all coming to live with us at General Fairbanks country house. Isn't that wonderful?"

The stunned Gorillas looked at one another in silence, paralyzed by fear. Garrison suddenly knew how it must feel to be a small furry animal, trapped in the glare of headlights and about to be turned into road kill.

The up-till-now catatonic Goniff started to make small squeaking noises.

"Oh, look!" exclaimed Maddog. "He's trying to tell us how happy he is!"

"Your Major Mitchell didn't seem to like the idea," Rastro said to Garrison, "but since McDonough's uncle is a General and Buck's father is Commander-in-Chief they kinda had the last word."

"And Fluffy - General Fairbanks to you - couldn't stand us whining at her so in the end she agreed too," grinned Feral.

"And besides, I was promised a certain someone when I agreed to provide that damn diversion," Blood'n'Guts growled emphatically, daring anyone to make a comment.

Chief looked questioningly at Garrison but the poor Warden had no clue what McDonough was talking about. Besides, he was too busy trying to figure out how he could his men out of the mess they'd landed in. Maybe he could request a transfer stateside... Of course, that would mean abandoning the Gorillas to their fate... Oh, well.

He looked around the room. Chief was trying to slap McDonough's hands away from various parts of his anatomy. Casino was probably suffocating, given his proximity to Feral's chest. Maddog was poking Goniff to get him to squeak more. Actor was just lying there, tears rolling down his cheeks. And Rastro was attempting to feed him grapes that had something that looked like axle grease and smelt like sewage smeared all over them.

Garrison sighed. It going to be a long war...

THE END