Nick walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. Nick looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Tracy walks up behind him and watches his antics for a few minutes before asking if she can cut in for a minute. Nick spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?!?"
What is the thinnest book in the world?
_What Nick Knows About Women_
What's Nick's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of whining.
What's the difference between Nick and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How can you tell if Nick is happy?
Who cares?
Why was Nick two hours late getting home?
The escalator got stuck.
What did Nick say when he knocked over Lacroix's priceless Ming vase?
"It's okay, Daddy, I'm not hurt."
Tracy and Nick were walking in the park when Tracy said, "Awww, look at the dead birdie." Nick stopped, looked up, and asked, "Where?"
Nick was complaining to Janette about constantly being called a dumb blond. Janette said, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the province capitals or something?" Nick thought this a great idea, and locked himself up for two weeks studying. The next party he went to, someone made a dumb blond crack about him. Indignantly, Nick retorted, "I'm NOT a dumb blond. In fact, I can name ALL the province capitals!" The woman didn't believe him, so Nick dared her to test him. She said, "Okay, what's the capital of Saskatchewan?" Nick laughed in triumph and said, "That's easy! It's S!"
Nick, Tracy and Reese went into a bar together. Tracy and Reese ordered drinks, and Nick wanted to fit in, so decided to order one too. Here's what happened:
Reese: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?"
Reese: "Bourbon and Coke."
Tracy: "And I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Tracy: "Gin and tonic."
Nick: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Nick: "7 and 7."
Q: How can you tell when the fax you've received is from Nick?
A: There's a stamp on it.
Q: Why did Nick scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
How did Nick break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
What do Nick and a beer bottle have in common?
Both are empty from the neck up.
What's the difference between Nick and a computer?
You only have to put information into a computer once.
Why did Nick put T.G.I.F. on his shoes?
Toes Go In First.
What do you call a zit on a Nick's backside?
A brain tumor.
Why can't Nick be a pharmacist?
Because he can't get the bottles into the typewriter.
What's Nick doing when he grasps at thin air?
Collecting his thoughts.
How do you keep Nick busy?
Give him a pack of M&M's and ask him to alphabetize them.
One night, Nick was driving to California. On the way, he saw a sign that said, "Clean Restrooms Ahead." By the time he finally reached the coast, he had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.
Nick and Nat were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks. Nick said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." Nat said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks." They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.
Nick was very proud of himself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in only two months; after all, the box said 2-5 years.
One evening, Nick and Nat were driving to Disneyland. As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Disneyland Left." So they turned around and went home.
Nick went into a pizza parlor. When he said he'd like a medium pizza, the clerk asked him how many pieces he'd like it cut into: six or twelve. "Oh, goodness, six please," said Nick. "I don't think I could eat twelve."
Q: How do you keep Nick busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
Q: What do you do when Nick throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell . . . he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Q: How do you make Nick laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is Nick doing when he holds his hands tight over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did Nick stare at the frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate."
Q: Why did Nick climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: He heard the drinks were on the house.
Q: How does Nick measure his IQ?
A: With a tire gauge.
Q: How do you get Nick's eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in his ears.
Q: How do you confuse Nick?
A: You don't. He's born that way.
Q: Why was Nick fired from the M&M factory?
A: He kept throwing out all of the W's.
Q: Why doesn't Nick like making Kool-Aid?
A: Because he can't fit eight cups of water into the little packet.
Q: How do you keep Nick busy?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: Why can't Nick make ice cubes?
A: He always forgets the recipe.
Q: Why did Nick stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed?
A: He wanted to see what he looked like asleep.
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